Heavens grief
by sammygirl17
Summary: Sam is a mystery to Castiel, he behaves so differently to any human to angle has ever met. during the trials, he catches Sam constantly staring at a picture and find himself curious. Sam and Cas (Sastiel) friendship. *Complete*


**Okay, so is anyone else struggling with supernatural taking a break mid-season? I know I am! I mean come on! You show them getting caught 'trying to assassinate the president' and then leave us hanging?! NOT OKAY!**

 **Alright, enough about that. So I've been totally in love with a Sam and Cas friendship since season 10 episode 17 'inside man' especially their conversations with Metatron!**

 **Cas: "so you will answer our questions or Sam will, uh, what's the phrase? Blow your fricking brains out. It's called leverage megaton"**

 **Sam: "Learn it, live it, love it"**

 **OMG! Fricking priceless! I feel like a horrible person, because the circumstances were horrible, but I couldn't help laughing my head off!**

 **So I've been wanting to write a Cas/Sam friendship for a while, so I decided to combine it with another idea I had. If any of you have read my multi chapter story 'the man I loved' (still working on the sequel by the way), you would know that I am a HUGE Jess fan! I wish we got to see more of her, her and Sam were perfect together! I'm really mad that they basically forgot about her since I feel that her death was a really significant event in Sam's life, it changed him.**

 **So you put those two things together and what do you get?... This story apparently! I decided to set it in season 8 during the trials since I felt that that was one of the most vulnerable states Sam has ever been in, so maybe this could have actually happened. Also, this assumes that Cas didn't run off with the tablet and was staying in the bunker with the boys. Forgive me for the slight AU. Cas's POV.**

 **Aha, hope you guys enjoy it xx**

Heavens grief

I has never really understood Sam Winchester. He has always been a mystery to me, the way he behaves so differently to every other human I have ever met, or to his brother as a matter of fact. He has this picture inside his wallet, I've never actually seen it, but sometimes, as I catch Sam staring at it for long minuets, I wonders who or what is in the picture. He would wear the saddest look on his face as he stares at it, a look of pure grief and loss, but then Dean would walk into the room, and the younger man will tuck his wallet into his pocket and his facial expression will change into a happy one in a spit second. He obviously doesn't want to talk about it, so I don't push it, but when things are quite and there is nothing to do, my mind would often drift to the image of Sam sitting there, staring at the mysterious photograph and options of what it could be whirl around in my mind. His mother? Father? Maybe it's a picture of him and Dean? Will I ever know?

Sam's been really ill, it is a side effect of the two trials he has already completed and there are no signs of him getting better any time soon. He tries to act normal, doing research, finding cases, making jokes, but the whole atmosphere is just different. Dean is worried and Sam is physically weak. The dynamics between them have changed too, the older brother won't punch the younger one in the arm playfully anymore, as if he is scared that a single touch would cause Sam to break. After all, humans are such fragile creatures, their bodies can betray them at any moment without notice and killing them is just so easy. It's hard to love something that death can touch.

Sometimes my curiosity gets the better of me, and I am tempted to just grab his wallet and look inside, but I think better of it every time. Sam deserves his privacy, and right now, with what he is doing and suffering for the sake of the world, who am I to deny him that. Ever since I've met him he has been big on privacy, he seems uncomfortable whenever I come into his room in the bunker and doesn't seem to like people touching his stuff. Dean has explained to me that it's normal for Sam, that he has always been this way, but I still find it strange, he has nothing to hide.

I like Sam, many people may not think so, but I know he is a good person, and more importantly, he's my friend… But he always seems weary around me. It's not an obvious rejection, but I feel that he is just scared to be around me, when I think about it, it makes sense, I did break the wall in his mind, letting hell spill loose and causing him to lose his sanity. I have not been a great person in the past year or so, with the whole 'trying to be god' and the 'letting the leviathans loose' thing, but I am determined to earn the trust of these men back. Yes I believe I have taken a step towards it by curing Sam of Lucifer, but I only helped take away a pain that I put there. I will help look after Sam until he finishes the trails, that way, I can show both boys I am worthy of their trust once again.

One night Sam finds a case. It is a simple one, text book vengeful spirit a few towns over, and the brothers decide to take it on, they plan to head out that night and burn the bones of the young woman who has been killing unfaithful men in the small town. They make jokes about how those men do deserve it, but they don't mean that and we all know it, no one deserves to be killed so brutally. But then night set in and Sam is in the worse condition he had been in yet. His fever has spiked, he is constantly coughing up blood, and he can barely stand on his own for more than a few seconds, Dean tries to help, but nothing they do can bring it down and all things seem hopeless. Sam tries to stand up and insist that he is fine, only to fall flat on his face attempting to walk towards us, needless to say, Dean was furious at his brothers' actions and took him up to bed. It was a difficult task since Sam absolutely refused to go to bed unless Dean promised he would go and take care of the case.

"People are dying Dean, I'll be fine here for a little while, just go" he tries to state confidently, but his weak voice betrays him and he sounds more like a weak, young child.

"Sam, I'm not leaving you here alone in your condition, no way" Dean says as he places his arms across his chest with determination. I realize this is my chance.

"He won't be alone Dean, I'll be here to look after him" I say with a smile, hoping Dean would trust me enough to allow me to do his most cherished job, looking after Sam. Both brothers raise their eyebrows at me, in a way I learned they only do when surprised.

"Seriously, I can take care of him for a little while, while you go take care of that spirit, we will be fine" Dean looks at me hesitantly, like he is contemplating his next move.

"Alright then, but Cas, I don't want you to let him out of your sight, not even for a second, you got it!?" he says aggressively, obviously annoyed he has lost the argument.

"No problem" I reply as I give him a mock salute. I feel almost honoured, Dean has not allowed many people to take on his role of Sam's protector, I'm happy he trusts me enough and will gladly do it. The brothers already have their gear ready for the hunt, as Dean walks out of the room, I hear him grabbing his weapons, then seconds later, the bunker door is shut indicating he has left. Leaving me alone here to take care of a very sick Sam. I stand there for a few moment, awkwardly waiting for my que to do something, it never comes. Sam just reaches for the remote and turns on the TV, he sits there quietly, watching the news and soon, I take a seat in the chair next to his bed, looking over at the screen.

It doesn't take long for Sam to have another one of his dreaded coughing fits, I knew one was bound to occur while I was looking after him, but that didn't prepare me for seeing my friend coughing painfully and spewing blood into his hand. When the fit somewhat slows down, and I am confident that Sam is not going to choke on his own blood, I stand up and start walking towards his bedroom door.

"I will go get you some water" I state as I walk out of the room and down the stairs into the kitchen. Since Sam has become sick, there has been a constant supply of water bottles in the fridge, so it didn't take me long to fetch one and bring it up to the young man. When I walk into his room, I see him staring at the picture again, he doesn't seem to notice my presence so I clear my throat before walking in and handing him the water.

"Thankyou" he looks at me and shoots a small, sad smile my way.

"You're welcome" I smile back. He continues to stare at the picture and I just can't do it anymore, I must ask.

"Sam, who is in the picture? I mean, you don't have to tell me I was just, um, wondering" I say nervously, hoping I didn't strike a wrong nerve with my questioning. Sam just smiles and hands me his wallet, I take it and turn it around so I am able to see the small picture that has been placed inside. It is a picture of Sam, hugging a young woman from the side. She is beautiful, long, curly, blond hair and big blue eyes, really a stunning woman. Sam looks so happy in this picture, he is smiling from ear to ear and seems to have not a care in the word, I have never seen his so full of joy. I smile slightly.

"Who is she?" I ask. I instantly regret it as Sam's face noticeably falls and he looks so miserable again, I suck in a short breath waiting for the answer.

"Her name is Jess, she _was_ my girlfriend in Stanford " he looks down at the bed, eyes filled with shame and grief, she _was_ his girlfriend, that means she isn't anymore, did they break up or did she…

Sam, seeming to sense my thoughts opened his mouth to speak again.

"She died, the yellow eyes demon killed her, same way he killed our mom….. while I watched" and now it's no longer sadness in Sam's voice, but anger, anger at the demon, and anger at himself.

"I am so sorry Sam" I say because what else can I say, what are you supposed to say to someone who had lost so much.

"It's okay Cas, it was my fault" Sam says looking away, but not before I could see the small tears starting to form at the corners of his eyes.

"Why would you say that?" I ask confused, why would Sam blame himself? It's not like he killed her.

"I wasn't there to protect her when she needed me, I didn't tell her the truth, hell, if I had never come into her life, she would be happy right now…. And alive" he replies, and that's when it hit me.

"Wait. Jessica Moore?" I ask, needing to know if my assumptions are correct.

"Yeah, how do you know?" Sam asked hesitantly.

"I was in charge of checking on her heaven for a little while" I state.

"I always knew she was in a better place" Sam says with a sigh, obviously emotionally bothered by the conversation.

"She has a wonderful heaven by the way" I say, hoping to lighten up the atmosphere a little bit. Sam looks up at me.

"What is it?" he asks hopefully.

"A beach in California, she is there with her family" I say, I remember her heaven, it was always one of my favourite places to visit, a beautiful ocean scenery and a wonderful family laying together in the sand, she always seemed to contempt there, happy, peaceful, just the way heaven should be.

Sam wipes away a lone tear that has managed to escape from his eye, it is a tear of happiness this time, I have succeeded in making Sam happy, I consider that a huge accomplishment considering his current situation.

"Thank you Cas" he says, grabbing back the wallet and staring at the picture once again, he shoots me a warm smile, which I quickly return.

I may not be able to completely understand Sam Winchester, maybe I will be, but tonight, I have learned so much about the man I consider one of my best friends. And right now, I'm contempt knowing I was able to help him feel just a little bit of happiness in this time full of only pain and agony, because after all, everyone deserves a little joy in their life.

 **So what do guys think? It's all fluffy and emotional, I know, but I kind of love it. Sammy never cries on the show, unless Dean dies that is, so I just though during the trials he would be really vulnerable, and bringing up past sad memories might bring a more emotional side of him.**

 **PLEASE REVIEW!**

 **I always love hearing what you guys think?**

 **Like this story? Why not check out some of my other ones? My most popular had been 'the man I loved'**

' **Sam was living his happy, normal life with Jess until things went terribly wrong. Sam has a terminal illness, leaving Jess and Dean to help him through, what will prove to be, the hardest time in his life. Will Sam survive this horrible illness, or will it be the thing that finally finishes him off? sick!sam big brother!dean.'**

 **Sound like something you might like?**

 **Till next time**

 **-Mika xx**


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